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Senin, 22 Juli 2013
Selasa, 16 April 2013
SUAMI KUCINTAI
Cerita ini adalah kisah nyata… dimana perjalanan hidup ini ditulis oleh seorang istri dalam sebuah laptopnya.
Bacalah, semoga kisah nyata ini menjadi pelajaran bagi kita semua.
Amin
nb: sediakan tissu sebelum membacanya yak..
****
Cinta itu butuh kesabaran…
Sampai dimanakah kita harus bersabar menanti cinta kita???
Hari itu.. aku dengannya berkomitmen untuk menjaga cinta kita…
Aku menjadi perempuan yg paling bahagia…
Pernikahan kami sederhana namun meriah…
Ia menjadi pria yang sangat romantis pada waktu itu.
Aku bersyukur menikah dengan seorang pria yang shaleh, pintar, tampan & mapan pula.
Ketika kami berpacaran dia sudah sukses dalam karirnya.
Kami akan berbulan madu di tanah suci, itu janjinya ketika kami berpacaran dulu…
Dan setelah menikah, aku mengajaknya untuk umroh ke tanah suci…
Aku sangat bahagia dengannya, dan dianya juga sangat memanjakan aku… sangat terlihat dari rasa cinta dan rasa sayangnya pada ku.
Banyak orang yang bilang kami adalah pasangan yang serasi. Sangat terlihatsekali bagaimana suamiku memanjakanku. Dan aku bahagia menikah dengannya.
***
Lima tahun berlalu sudah kami menjadi suami istri, sangat tak terasa waktu begitu cepat berjalan walaupun kami hanya hidup berdua saja karena sampai saatini aku belum bisa memberikannya seorang malaikat kecil (bayi) di tengah keharmonisan rumah tangga kami.
Karena dia anak lelaki satu-satunya dalam keluarganya, jadi aku harus berusaha untuk mendapatkan penerus generasi baginya.
Alhamdulillah saat itu suamiku mendukungku…
Ia mengaggap Allah belum mempercayai kami untuk menjaga titipan-NYA.
Tapi keluarganya mulai resah. Dari awal kami menikah, ibu & adiknya tidak menyukaiku. Aku sering mendapat perlakuan yang tidak menyenangkan dari mereka, namun aku selalu berusaha menutupi hal itu dari suamiku…
Didepan suami ku mereka berlaku sangat baik padaku, tapi dibelakang suami ku, aku dihina-hina oleh mereka…
Pernah suatu ketika satu tahun usia pernikahan kami, suamiku mengalami kecelakaan, mobilnya hancur. Alhamdulillah suami ku selamat dari maut yanghampir membuat ku menjadi seorang janda itu.
Ia dirawat dirumah sakit pada saat dia belum sadarkan diri setelah kecelakaan. Aku selalu menemaninya siang & malam sambil kubacakan ayat-ayat suci Al –Qur’an. Aku sibuk bolak-balik dari rumah sakit dan dari tempat aku melakukanaktivitas sosial ku, aku sibuk mengurus suamiku yang sakit karena kecelakaan.
Namun saat ketika aku kembali ke rumah sakit setelah dari rumah kami, akumelihat di dalam kamarnya ada ibu, adik-adiknya dan teman-teman suamiku, dandisaat itu juga.. aku melihat ada seorang wanita yang sangat akrab mengobroldengan ibu mertuaku. Mereka tertawa menghibur suamiku.
Alhamdulillah suamiku ternyata sudah sadar, aku menangis ketika melihat suamiku sudah sadar, tapi aku tak boleh sedih di hadapannya.
Kubuka pintu yang tertutup rapat itu sambil mengatakan, “Assalammu’alaikum” danmereka menjawab salam ku. Aku berdiam sejenak di depan pintu dan mereka semuamelihatku. Suamiku menatapku penuh manja, mungkin ia kangen padaku karena sudah 5 hari mata nya selalu tertutup.
Tangannya melambai, mengisyaratkan aku untuk memegang tangannya erat. Setelahaku menghampirinya, kucium tangannya sambil berkata “Assalammu’alaikum”, ia punmenjawab salam ku dengan suaranya yg lirih namun penuh dengan cinta. Aku punsenyum melihat wajahnya.
Lalu.. Ibu nya berbicara denganku …
“Fis, kenalkan ini Desi teman Fikri”.
Aku teringat cerita dari suamiku bahwa teman baiknya pernah mencintainya,perempuan itu bernama Desi dan dia sangat akrab dengan keluarga suamiku. Hinggaakhirnya aku bertemu dengan orangnya juga. Aku pun langsung berjabat tangandengannya, tak banyak aku bicara di dalam ruangan tersebut,aku tak mengerti apayg mereka bicarakan.
Aku sibuk membersihkan & mengobati luka-luka di kepala suamiku, barusebentar aku membersihkan mukanya, tiba-tiba adik ipar ku yang bernama Dianmengajakku keluar, ia minta ditemani ke kantin. Dan suamiku pun mengijinkannya.Kemudian aku pun menemaninya.
Tapi ketika di luar adik ipar ku berkata, “lebih baik kau pulang saja, adakami yg menjaga abang disini. Kau istirahat saja. ”
Anehnya, aku tak diperbolehkan berpamitan dengan suamiku dengan alasan abangharus banyak beristirahat dan karena psikologisnya masih labil. Aku berdebatdengannya mempertanyakan mengapa aku tidak diizinkan berpamitan dengan suamiku.Tapi tiba-tiba ibu mertuaku datang menghampiriku dan ia juga mengatakan halyang sama.
Nantinya dia akan memberi alasan pada suamiku mengapa aku pulang takberpamitan padanya, toh suamiku selalu menurut apa kata ibunya, baik ibunyasalah ataupun tidak, suamiku tetap saja membenarkannya. Akhirnya aku pun pergimeninggalkan rumah sakit itu dengan linangan air mata.
Sejak saat itu aku tidak pernah diijinkan menjenguk suamiku sampai ia kembalidari rumah sakit. Dan aku hanya bisa menangis dalam kesendirianku. Menangismengapa mereka sangat membenciku.
***
Hari itu.. aku menangis tanpa sebab, yang ada di benakku aku takutkehilangannya, aku takut cintanya dibagi dengan yang lain.
Pagi itu, pada saat aku membersihkan pekarangan rumah kami, suamiku memanggilku ke taman belakang, ia baru aja selesai sarapan, ia mengajakku duduk diayunan favorit kami sambil melihat ikan-ikan yang bertaburan di kolam airmancur itu.
Aku bertanya, “Ada apa kamu memanggilku?”
Ia berkata, “Besok aku akan menjenguk keluargaku di Sabang”
Aku menjawab, “Ia sayang.. aku tahu, aku sudah mengemasi barang-barang kamu ditravel bag dan kamu sudah memeegang tiket bukan?”
“Ya tapi aku tak akan lama disana, cuma 3 minggu aku disana, aku juga sudahlama tidak bertemu dengan keluarga besarku sejak kita menikah dan aku akanpulang dengan mama ku”, jawabnya tegas.
“Mengapa baru sekarang bicara, aku pikir hanya seminggu saja kamu disana?”,tanya ku balik kepadanya penuh dengan rasa penasaran dan sedikit rasa kecewakarena ia baru memberitahukan rencana kepulanggannya itu, padahal aku telahbersusah payah mencarikan tiket pesawat untuknya.
“Mama minta aku yang menemaninya saat pulang nanti”, jawabnya tegas.
“Sekarang aku ingin seharian dengan kamu karena nanti kita 3 minggu tidakbertemu, ya kan?”, lanjut nya lagi sambil memelukku dan mencium keningku.Hatiku sedih dengan keputusannya, tapi tak boleh aku tunjukkan pada nya.
Bahagianya aku dimanja dengan suami yang penuh dengan rasa sayang &cintanya walau terkadang ia bersikap kurang adil terhadapku.
Aku hanya bisa tersenyum saja, padahal aku ingin bersama suamiku, tapi karenakeluarganya tidak menyukaiku hanya karena mereka cemburu padaku karena suamikusangat sayang padaku.
Kemudian aku memutuskan agar ia saja yg pergi dan kami juga harus berhematdalam pengeluaran anggaran rumah tangga kami.
Karena ini acara sakral bagi keluarganya, jadi seluruh keluarganya haruskomplit. Walaupun begitu, aku pun tetap tak akan diperdulikan oleh keluarganyaharus datang ataupun tidak. Tidak hadir justru membuat mereka sangat senang danaku pun tak mau membuat riuh keluarga ini.
Malam sebelum kepergiannya, aku menangis sambil membereskan keperluan yang akandibawanya ke Sabang, ia menatapku dan menghapus airmata yang jatuh dipipiku,lalu aku peluk erat dirinya. Hati ini bergumam tak merelakan dia pergi seakanterjadi sesuatu, tapi aku tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi. Aku hanya bisamenangis karena akan ditinggal pergi olehnya.
Aku tidak pernah ditinggal pergi selama ini, karena kami selalu bersama-samakemana pun ia pergi.
Apa mungkin aku sedih karena aku sendirian dan tidak memiliki teman, karenabiasanya hanya pembantu sajalah teman mengobrolku.
Hati ini sedih akan di tinggal pergi olehnya.
Sampai keesokan harinya, aku terus menangis.. menangisi kepergiannya. Aku taktahu mengapa sesedih ini, perasaanku tak enak, tapi aku tak boleh berburuksangka. Aku harus percaya apada suamiku. Dia pasti akan selalu menelponku.
***
Berjauhan dengan suamiku, aku merasa sangat tidak nyaman, aku merasa sendiri.Untunglah aku mempunyai kesibukan sebagai seorang aktivis, jadinya aku takterlalu kesepian ditinggal pergi ke Sabang.
Saat kami berhubungan jarak jauh, komunikasi kami memburuk dan aku pun jatuhsakit. Rahimku terasa sakit sekali seperti di lilit oleh tali. Tak tahan akumenahan rasa sakit dirahimku ini, sampai-sampai aku mengalami pendarahan. Akudilarikan ke rumah sakit oleh adik laki-lakiku yang kebetulan menemanikudisana. Dokter memvonis aku terkena kanker mulut rahim stadium 3.
Aku menangis.. apa yang bisa aku banggakan lagi..
Mertuaku akan semakin menghinaku, suamiku yang malang yang selalu berharap akanpunya keturunan dari rahimku.. namun aku tak bisa memberikannya keturunan. Dan kemudianaku hanya bisa memeluk adikku.
Aku kangen pada suamiku, aku selalu menunggu ia pulang dan bertanya-tanya,”kapankah ia segera pulang?” aku tak tahu..
Sementara suamiku disana, aku tidak tahu mengapa ia selalu marah-marah jikamenelponku. Bagaimana aku akan menceritakan kondisiku jika ia selalu marah-marah terhadapku..
Lebih baik aku tutupi dulu tetang hal ini dan aku juga tak mau membuatnyakhawatir selama ia berada di Sabang.
Lebih baik nanti saja ketika ia sudah pulang dari Sabang, aku akan ceritapadanya. Setiap hari aku menanti suamiku pulang, hari demi hari aku hitung…
Sudah 3 minggu suamiku di Sabang, malam itu ketika aku sedang melihat foto-fotokami, ponselku berbunyi menandakan ada sms yang masuk.
Kubuka di inbox ponselku, ternyata dari suamiku yang sms.
Ia menulis, “aku sudah beli tiket untuk pulang, aku pulangnya satu hari lagi,aku akan kabarin lagi”.
Hanya itu saja yang diinfokannya. Aku ingin marah, tapi aku pendam saja egoyang tidak baik ini. Hari yg aku tunggu pun tiba, aku menantinya di rumah.
Sebagai seorang istri, aku pun berdandan yang cantik dan memakai parfumkesukaannya untuk menyambut suamiku pulang, dan nantinya aku juga akanmenyelesaikan masalah komunikasi kami yg buruk akhir-akhir ini.
Senin, 15 April 2013
KETAWA.COM
# Pengen cewek Bule #
Sari ditugaskan ke luar negeri selama 2minggu oleh kantor tempat bekerja, saat suaminya mengantar istrinya ke bandara, Sari bertanya, “kamu mau oleh2 apa sayang ? “
Suaminya yang agak nakal tersenyum sambil berkata ” Aku mau cewek Bule !!!!”Dua minggu kemudian Sari kembali ketanah air, saat suaminya menjemput di bandara, suaminya menagih janjinya.
Suami :” mana oleh2 pesananku?”
Istri : Oleh2 yang mana
Suami : masa kamu lupa, aku mau cewek bule, tanyanya sambil ketawa.
Istri : Oh, itu! tenang Pa!Aku udah berusaha sebaik mungkin disana!Tapi kita kan harus bersabar, dalam beberapa bulan lagi baru akan ketahuan apakah ia cewek atau cowok!!!’
# Dengan Gadis sekampunG #
Seorang cowok hendak menikah berkonsultasi dengan Ust.H.Rahmat Al Bukhari.
Pak ustadz,apa benar pria muslim dilarang menikah dengan gadis sekampung?.
“Benar”
“emangnya kenapa Pak Ustadz?”
” Menikah dengan seorang gadis saja belum tentu mampu, Apalagi dengan gadis sekampung!!!”
# Yang Dungu Harus Berdiri #
Diruang kelas seorang guru senior sedang memarahisiswanya.”menjawab aja tidak becus, eh kalian malah seenaknya bercanda dan asyik ngobrol. Sekarang saya minta yang merasa dungu brdiri!!!!Bentak sang guru pada muridnya, beberapa menit setelah suasana hening, tiba2 dari bangku belakang seorang siswa berdiri. Sang gurupun langsung menyambut dengan bentakan, “jadi kamu yakin betul, kamulah si dungu itu?”
Bukan begitu Pak, Saya cuma tidak tega melihat Bapak berdiri sendirian,hehehe.
*Internet masuk desa*
Sari ditugaskan ke luar negeri selama 2minggu oleh kantor tempat bekerja, saat suaminya mengantar istrinya ke bandara, Sari bertanya, “kamu mau oleh2 apa sayang ? “
Suaminya yang agak nakal tersenyum sambil berkata ” Aku mau cewek Bule !!!!”Dua minggu kemudian Sari kembali ketanah air, saat suaminya menjemput di bandara, suaminya menagih janjinya.
Suami :” mana oleh2 pesananku?”
Istri : Oleh2 yang mana
Suami : masa kamu lupa, aku mau cewek bule, tanyanya sambil ketawa.
Istri : Oh, itu! tenang Pa!Aku udah berusaha sebaik mungkin disana!Tapi kita kan harus bersabar, dalam beberapa bulan lagi baru akan ketahuan apakah ia cewek atau cowok!!!’
# Dengan Gadis sekampunG #
Seorang cowok hendak menikah berkonsultasi dengan Ust.H.Rahmat Al Bukhari.
Pak ustadz,apa benar pria muslim dilarang menikah dengan gadis sekampung?.
“Benar”
“emangnya kenapa Pak Ustadz?”
” Menikah dengan seorang gadis saja belum tentu mampu, Apalagi dengan gadis sekampung!!!”
# Yang Dungu Harus Berdiri #
Diruang kelas seorang guru senior sedang memarahisiswanya.”menjawab aja tidak becus, eh kalian malah seenaknya bercanda dan asyik ngobrol. Sekarang saya minta yang merasa dungu brdiri!!!!Bentak sang guru pada muridnya, beberapa menit setelah suasana hening, tiba2 dari bangku belakang seorang siswa berdiri. Sang gurupun langsung menyambut dengan bentakan, “jadi kamu yakin betul, kamulah si dungu itu?”
Bukan begitu Pak, Saya cuma tidak tega melihat Bapak berdiri sendirian,hehehe.
*Internet masuk desa*
Jaman sekarang e-mail udah masuk kepelosok desa, ini ceritanya
Tukijo , tukang kayu dari daerah pegunungan Wonosobo suatu hari dapet kerjaan bikin meubel di hotel di Yogjakarta.
Dia berangkat duluan dianter bininya Tugiyem kestasion bis, dengan janji besoknya bininya bakal nyusul. Sesampainya di Yogya dia lantas segera kirim email sama bininya.
Di Lain tempat namun masih di Wonosobo, Rugiyem seorang istri yang sedang berduka baru saja mengantarkan jenazah suaminya Paijo ke pemakaman. Selesai dari pemakamandia langsung pulang kerumah, lantas dia buru buru buka e-mail, untuk cek berita-berita dari sanak keluarga.
Begitu dia buka email, dia menjerit lalu pingsan… Anaknya heran, lalu ikut baca emailnya, lalu ikut menjerit…
Sebenarnya, pangkalnya itu si Tukijo salah pijit tombol, kirim email ke bininya mustinya Tugiyem@wonosobo.co.id jadinya Rugiyem@wonosobo.co.id Maklum jarinya tukang kayu segede jempol, T dengan R kan dempetan.
Mau tahu isinya yang bikin keluarga Rugiyem histeris…
Isi emailnya :
‘Yem isteriku tercinta,
Terimakasih banget yo, udah nganterkan aku tadi pagi,Aku sudah sampai dengan selamat, disini diterima baik baik, Aku senang sekali karena banyak teman lama yang sudah duluan sampai, Katanya kamu akan nyusul besok, namamu sudah aku daftarkan disini, aku tunggu yaa supaya kita berdua bersama disini oh, ya ternyata disini lumayan panasnya,
salam kangen,
# Umpan Lambumg Versi Bowling
Tukijo , tukang kayu dari daerah pegunungan Wonosobo suatu hari dapet kerjaan bikin meubel di hotel di Yogjakarta.
Dia berangkat duluan dianter bininya Tugiyem kestasion bis, dengan janji besoknya bininya bakal nyusul. Sesampainya di Yogya dia lantas segera kirim email sama bininya.
Di Lain tempat namun masih di Wonosobo, Rugiyem seorang istri yang sedang berduka baru saja mengantarkan jenazah suaminya Paijo ke pemakaman. Selesai dari pemakamandia langsung pulang kerumah, lantas dia buru buru buka e-mail, untuk cek berita-berita dari sanak keluarga.
Begitu dia buka email, dia menjerit lalu pingsan… Anaknya heran, lalu ikut baca emailnya, lalu ikut menjerit…
Sebenarnya, pangkalnya itu si Tukijo salah pijit tombol, kirim email ke bininya mustinya Tugiyem@wonosobo.co.id jadinya Rugiyem@wonosobo.co.id Maklum jarinya tukang kayu segede jempol, T dengan R kan dempetan.
Mau tahu isinya yang bikin keluarga Rugiyem histeris…
Isi emailnya :
‘Yem isteriku tercinta,
Terimakasih banget yo, udah nganterkan aku tadi pagi,Aku sudah sampai dengan selamat, disini diterima baik baik, Aku senang sekali karena banyak teman lama yang sudah duluan sampai, Katanya kamu akan nyusul besok, namamu sudah aku daftarkan disini, aku tunggu yaa supaya kita berdua bersama disini oh, ya ternyata disini lumayan panasnya,
salam kangen,
# Umpan Lambumg Versi Bowling
Disebuah RS Jiwa ada sekelompok pasien sakit jiwa yang sedang maen bola. Tapi anehnya bola yang dipakai adalah bola bowling, yang tentu saja keras dan sangat berat. Lalu dokter melihat kesemua pasiennya dan berkata “ Dasar gila, maen sepakbola pake bola bowling.
Namun mata si dokter menangkap sosok seorang pasien yang sedang berdiri di samping tiang gawang, ia tidak ikut main dan hanya berdiri, lalu sidokter mendatangi orang Gila tersebut
Doter : Kamu Lagi ngapain? Semua temenmu main bola kenapa u ga ikut?
Pasien : Nggak ah Dok, Ngapain main bola pake bola bowling, kaki saya kan bisa
sakit.
Si Dokter kagum!!!!!!!!!
Dokter : Wah jadi kamu sudah sembuh ya ?
Pasien : Iya dong Dok !
Dokter : Trus kamu ngapain diSini ?
Pasien : Lagi nunggu Umpan Lambung dok……………….
Smoggy Beijing The Wall Street Journal had this article today called "Smog, Bureaucratic Waffling Add to Beijing’s Murk". I would be the last person to defend the CCP and the horrible damage they've inflicted on the Chinese people over the past sixty years, but I did have to comment on this photo and accompanying caption from the article: My comment about this photo and caption is that in Beijing, and in China, people like this bicyclist wear cotton masks like some people wear scarves, that is, as a way to feel better in the cold. That bicyclist would wear the same mask even on a day with an AQI (air quality index) of 50 (which would be wonderful for Beijing). Cotton face masks like that are so porous that they do essentially nothing to keep out pollution. To keep the pollution out, you really need to wear an N95 face mask. Here's the real time AQI for Beijing, if you're interested. POSTED BY ERIC AT 11/05/2011 10:00:00 AM 1 COMMENTS NOV 2, 2011 Replay: Lee Kai-Fu totally looks like... I came across an article on Kai-Fu Lee presenting on something this week in Beijing, and I just had to re-post something that I still find hilarious. Whenever I see Kai-Fu Lee's picture, I can't stop thinking of my creative post. The re-edited post, for your re-reading pleasure: I had a few yuks recently from an email forward that came from this site, about celebrities that resemble animals, cartoons, and other stuff. Here are a couple good ones: Lee Kai-Fu, a former exec at Google China, totally looks like... ... Droopy dog! I think it's the slacky, hanging cheeks and the big round cartoon eyes that seal the deal here. If someone on that web site wants to use my material, go for it, just give me the credit. POSTED BY ERIC AT 11/02/2011 07:00:00 PM 0 COMMENTS JUL 21, 2011 WSJ video: living like cooped up rats in a Hong Kong apartment The Wall Street Journal has some great stories usually. However, this article and video showing four people living like rats cooped up in 150 square food apartment in Hong Kong is a little off. Have a look: The first thing that tipped me off that this article is a bit sensationalized is the tentant's name, "Yang Lianchun". This is not a Hong Kong Cantonese transliteration, it's a Mainland Chinese name spelled using pinyin. The article does mention briefly that she moved to Hong Kong from Mainland China, but they don't mention much more. She's moved away from a bad life in the Mainland to try and make it in one of the most expensive cities with a meager income, and now she's got an even worse life. In the US, it would be like a fry cook from Big Boy packing up and trying to make it in New York City on $500 a month. It would be the same story: a tiny, cramped apartment, and an unpleasant standard of living. You'd be stuck there until you hit on something where you could start pulling in more income. I've visited apartments of normal Hong Kong folks in Hong Kong, and yes, they are small, but they don't live live rats cooped up in a cage like this lady. This is the background they don't give you in the article. Normal Hong Kong people live like people, although much less square footage than in the US. With good interior design, you can do a lot with a small apartment. My view of this lady is, hey, give it a go in Hong Kong, but if you can't hack it, suck it up and move to the New Territories, or just go back to the Mainland and get a government "iron rice bowl" type job. POSTED BY ERIC AT 7/21/2011 07:00:00 AM 0 COMMENTS JUL 11, 2011 The stupidest, or funniest, Chinese waidiren alive On a recent United Airlines flight to California from Beijing, I had the pleasure or displeasure, not sure which, of sitting directly in front of a 40 something Chinese man with a waidi accent in Mandarin (to be specific, a central China, chicken sounding accent). I got a nice earful of his chicken accent as I sat in front of him and he yakked loudly on his cell phone prior to departure. Throughout the coach section where I sat (Economy Plus, nonetheless — it's like an upgrade from McDonalds to Burger King) there were two dozen college sophomore students, dressed identically with the same t-shirt bearing the name of their English language school. They were presumably headed to the US for a cultural tour including the wonders of California, I suppose things like 215 cards and In-n-Out Burger. To my left sat two of these college sophomores, both female. They were quite well behaved, and didn't speak, snore, or bump me throughout the entire flight. These are my ideal seatmate for a trans Pacific flight. The the left of the waidi gentleman behind me sat two college sophomore boys. The waidi fellow behind me, by comparison, would cross and uncross his legs, jostling my seat back. After one such jostle, I turned and stared at him through the gap between the seats. "What?", he asked in an irritated, defiant tone. I stared at him a few more uncomfortable seconds and turned around. As we neared the end of the flight in the US, the waidi gentleman loudly gurgled phlegm in his throat. It was not quite the full out Mainland loogie-hawk, of course, but the stage right before, kind of like a warm up loogie-hawk. This is not my ideal seatmate on a plane. To return to the story, at some point after the first meal during the flight, the show began. Mr. Waidi started his conversation with the college boy next to him. The dialog, in Mandarin originally, was something like this: Mr. Waidi: So are you part of a educational tour to America? College boy: [Describes the tour and where they are going] Mr. Waidi: [Changes the topic] You know, they tip in restaurants in America. The restaurants aren't that great to eat at, but they are expensive. College boy: Really? Mr. Waidi: Oh, yes. You generally need to start at 10% for the tip, and if they do a really great job, you can go up to 20%. [I bet the waitstaff loves this guy. The 10% tipper.] College boy: I see Mr. Waidi: [New topic] Luxury goods are a good deal in America compared to in Beijing. You should buy a Louis Vuitton bag while you're there. [Yes, college students have the budget for Louis Vuitton. Good call, waidiren.] College boy: Really? Mr. Waidi: Of course. In America, a Louis Vuitton bag will cost only $1,000 or $2,000. In China it would be $3,000-$4,500. College boy: I don't think I'll need to buy a designer bag. [At this point I start to chuckle to myself as I picture this waidi ren with a shovel of pig manure in one hand and a $2,000 Louis Vuitton man purse in the other, traipsing around his hometown sludge pit in Henan or Hunan or Wuhan or wherever.] Mr. Waidi: You should consider getting one for your father then. How's your father? College boy: Oh, he's good. Mr. Waidi: Yes, you should certainly get something for you parents. College boy: Ok. [Ha! I can picture this one even better. The father's sauntering around the village in a straw hat and flip flops, yellowed and moth eaten t-shirt rolled up to his nipples and exposing his belly fat, and under his left arm he has a Louis Vuitton bag. "My son made it in the big city, he sent me this fancy bag." This is great material. I love it.] Mr. Waidi: High end golf clubs are another good thing to get. College boy: Oh? Mr. Waidi: Yes, in Beijing, the high end golf clubs are much more expensive. The golf stores charge a lot for them. America is a great place to get some good clubs if you play the game. [At this point, I picture the gentleman at the edge of a farm near his hometown, sewage ditch right nearby, hitting Titleists with his $500 driver off into dried dirt.] At this point my drugs (just kidding, only over the counter stuff for me, no Ambien or downers here, I'm 100% natural) began to take hold and I fell asleep. After the final meal before landing, the pristine headlands of northern California were visible. We passed over the usual suburban scenery, and I got treated to this concluding dialog: Mr. Waidi: [Speaking to the college boy] Look over there, I see a golf course. I don't remember there being a golf course in that area before. College boy: Hmm. Mr. Waidi: Yes, I really need to get over to that course. My conclusion after hearing all these amusing stories and comments, spoken with an accent in Mandarin even worse than that of Mao Tse-tung or Hu Jiantao, is: I get much more amusement sitting in front of a waidi clown for 11 hours than I have had sitting in front of a screaming baby or a barking Shih Tzu. I occurred to me that this man was demonstrating his social status and value to a young college boy. Knowing that as single men, we will often demonstrate our social value to women, although not in such a pompous way, I can understand what he's doing. I can only assume that this was a drawn out pick up attempt, and at some point, phone numbers were exchanged. If I'm correct and this was a pick up attempt, I commend the waidi man and hope he does well. His game was pretty sloppy, but he was rather confident with himself. If this was not a pickup attempt, then I must say that we need to really tighten up our visa interviews in whatever consulate issued this fellow a visa to visit our fine country. If you're at a California golf course, and you're behind a twosome with a Chinese gentleman who drives fifty yards and carries a $3,000 Louis Vuitton man purse, you may have met my airplane seatmate buddy. [Note: the Chinese term waidiren (外地人, "outside person") refers to anyone not from Beijing, Shanghai, or whatever big city you are in. In Beijing, the folks throwing litter on the street, spitting as they walk, and letting their children urinate in the gutter are more often than not waidiren. The easiest way to check is to verify the first three digits of a persons ID card, or shenfenzheng. This number is issued at birth based on the city of residence at that time, and does change if one moves in the future.] POSTED BY ERIC AT 7/11/2011 07:00:00 AM 0 COMMENTS JUL 5, 2011 People writing about being a john in China vs. in Canada The occurrence of the two similar stories, one in China and one in Canada, had good timing: A Toronto cartoonist writes a graphic novel about being a john and gets a review in the New York Times A Chinese man, from Guangxi province of all places, blogs about being a john and gets sent to prison for a year because of it. Sucks to live under a regime where expressing one's thoughts publicly get you sent to the gulag. Check out the teeth on this Guangxi fellow. Did the VD make his gums get like that? Yikes! POSTED BY ERIC AT 7/05/2011 07:00:00 AM 0 COMMENTS MAY 4, 2011 White wine is not "baijiu" As I was browsing through the different varieties of Two Buck Chuck wine available at a Trader Joe's grocery store in California, I noticed a mainland Chinese mother pushing her toddler around in a shopping cart. As she walked past a display area with many bottles of white wine, she pointed to it and said to her child very clearly, "bai jiu" (白酒, literally "white alcohol"). The mother repeated the word a couple times so the kid could learn it. This bothers me, because in Mandarin, white wine is not baijiu. White wine is "bai putaojiu" (白葡萄酒, literally "white grape alcohol"). She could have just said "putaojiu" (葡萄酒) to the kid to keep it short. Baijiu is a foul-tasting spirit distilled from sorghum and fermented horse manure, and usually comes in around 112 proof. Baijiu not even in the same family as wine. I use baijiu to dissolve the yellow, caked on urine drippings from the outside of my toilet bowl. Many people in California are well educated about wine. The wine culture is not at the level as in Italy, but Californians tend to understand wine pretty well. Me on the other hand, I mix my Cabernet with Sprite, I put ice cubes in my chardonnay, and I drink pinot from a Solo cup like it's beer at a frat party, so I'm not one to talk. But anyone should know that white wine is not sorghum-based baijiu. I disapprove of bad parenting, but it's not my place to get involved and correct how this lady wanted to educate her kid, so I said nothing. POSTED BY ERIC AT 5/04/2011 07:00:00 AM 0 COMMENTS MAY 3, 2011 Expat jokes about Singapore I've heard a number of Singapore-related jokes, which I thought I'd share. Although, in my opinion, making fun of Singapore is sort of like picking on the kids that ride the short bus to school. Singapore is a country (sort of) with an extremely short history, and a very small population, of course it's going to have some major issues. Anyway, as I recall hearing it, the running joke about Singapore among expats goes something like this: Q: What's the difference between Singapore and a petri dish? A: A petri dish has more culture. Joke number two was something about how on the sixth day, the Lord resteth, and then he picked up the Malaysian peninsula, shook it around like a sock, and all the garbage and human filth fell down to the southern tip of the peninsula, and called itself Singapore. I found this second joke a bit mean spirited. I'm sure there are some good people in Singapore, after all. And don't forget that Singapore has a great many wonderful food vendors and restaurants, which makes it a great place to visit in my book, racial discrimination and other issues aside. Does anyone else have any good Singapore jokes they've heard? POSTED BY ERIC AT 5/03/2011 07:00:00 AM 0 COMMENTS MAY 1, 2011 Grammar at Sears Seen at Sears: POSTED BY ERIC AT 5/01/2011 07:00:00 AM 1 COMMENTS APR 29, 2011 Chinese characters favored by yokels I saw these characters, "柔術", on the back window of an import pickup truck in California. I was trying to parse these mentally. I was thinking, ok, so 柔 (róu) is "tender" or "soft", then 術 (shù) is like "technique" or "skill". What exactly is "tender skill"? What's this Toyota pickup driving yokel trying to say exactly? I seemed at first like it must be something kind of pervy. It turns out, though, that "tender skill" is how the Japanese write "jujutsu", which is like a type of karate. How cute is that? I think he needs a Hello Kitty to go next to the 柔術 characters. Tender kitty, tender skill. The Toyota brand should have tipped me off that the characters should be parsed using Japanese and not Chinese. POSTED BY ERIC AT 4/29/2011 07:00:00 AM 0 COMMENTS APR 27, 2011 Don't leave mass right after communion Having observed the tight religious restrictions in China, you come to appreciate some of the basic things that we take for granted, or even sometimes complain about in America. This article, "China Detains Church Members at Easter Services", caught my interest: The authorities stepped up a three-week campaign against an underground Christian church on Sunday, detaining hundreds of congregants in their homes and taking at least 36 others into custody after they tried to hold Easter services in a public square, church members and officials said. It makes me downright embarrassed when I think of pretty much any mass I've ever been to in the US, including this past Sunday, where numerous folks up and scurried out of church right after they get their Communion. These unfortunate Chinese Christians are getting persecuted and arrested for their beliefs, and we take it for granted that we have the ability to do whatever we want here in America. The Chinese Catholics I've seen (in China, at least) are really into their religion. If the church is over packed and they have to listen to mass out in the courtyard with no kneelers, they'll spread out newspapers on the ground and kneel right on there. I've seen too many spoiled Californians and other Americans who got it so good these days with their Hummer H2s and BMWs that they don't feel like they have to kneel during mass. I even saw one grown man going to Easter mass wearing flip flips into church. This man had young kids, nonetheless. I hope he scheduled a confession for later in the week. POSTED BY ERIC AT 4/27/2011 07:00:00 AM 1 COMMENTS APR 25, 2011 Shanghai food — barf! I could never live in Shanghai. The food is just terrible. Terrible beyond belief. Add that to the fact that they speak a strange dialect that sounds more like Japanese people imitating angry chickens, and you have a city that's very hard to tolerate. Let me give you a little overview of the food offerings of Shanghai, which I was able to learn about through Safeway, purveyor of authentic gourmet foods: Below: A Shanghai dinner for two, at a great price. Sounds like a good deal. Below: What is this Shanghainese swill they're serving up here? Looks like something I saw in a latrine when I was in Henan province. Below: No wonder Shanghainese people are so darn skinny, this food would give anyone the runs! POSTED BY ERIC AT 4/25/2011 07:00:00 AM 0 COMMENTS APR 20, 2011 College girl conversation snippet After eating some fish tacos at a California strip mall, I walked past an outdoor table where three college-age girls were talking loudly. As I passed by, I heard this this snippet of their conversation. It was so unique that I can recall it exactly word for word: "...It's like she was trying to suck my entire face inside of her mouth. It's so gross..." I didn't get to catch what came before or after this sentence, but I'm very curious. Must be something like this: POSTED BY ERIC AT 4/20/2011 07:00:00 AM 2 COMMENTS TWITTER UPDATES More updates... PHOTOS PREVIOUS POSTS Smoggy Beijing Replay: Lee Kai-Fu totally looks like... WSJ video: living like cooped up rats in a Hong Ko... The stupidest, or funniest, Chinese waidiren alive... People writing about being a john in China vs. in ... White wine is not "baijiu" Expat jokes about Singapore Grammar at Sears Chinese characters favored by yokels Don't leave mass right after communion BEST OF Riddle: How many people does it take to park an Audi TT? 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